I have been living in the United States for past six years and been back to Nepal only one time all these years. Apparently, it is normal that people ask questions like, “When are you coming back?,” or “How long are you still gonna be there?”. Some friends even go little further and ask “You must have made a lot of money?,” What? And one follow-up question from friends here, “Have their grandparents (pointing to my kids) met them?” or “Have you been back to Nepal after you came here?” It is nothing unusual to get asked these sorts of questions when you are away from the family. But what bothers me the most is that I also do not know how long I will stay here.
To be utterly undiplomatic and unapologetic, I have no clear-cut answers to those questions. As much I want to go back to the country of my birth, no lesser is the gravity toward the country that has given me so much- new relationships, education, ministry opportunities, wonderful families – pulling me apart. My kids call this country their home. The neighborhood we live in they feel closer to their hearts. I know nothing comes close to your land than all these that I was blessed with in this land. Yet, there are certain things that outweigh my yearning to go back sooner.
I cherish most of those days that I lived there. Meantime, certain things that are so closely attached to your past that haunt you like a ghost. Running away from it will not relieve you, as it will follow you as closely as your shadow. On the other hand, I know where I want to be and what I want to do. In other words, I am not here because I dream to be here. Prospect of living here in the US was not never in my wildest dream. I am committed to go back to Nepal and work there once my wife and I finish our school. I am sandwiched between the polemic struggle at the moment.
Facing with all these uncertainties, I still am hopeful that I can answer my mom’s question that stands tall like a giant when she asks me, “My son, when are you coming back?” I am hopeful that I can answer my friends that I did not make a lot of money as an international student but I made a whole lot of solid relationships. I hope I can roar with a thunderous voice and tell you, “I am coming soon (but) when?…” Dear all, I still do not know when I am coming back.